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What does it mean to live an awakened life? Are you living an awakened life now? How is this different from how you were living before you awakened?
I do live what I would call an awakened life. It is natural that what does not correspond to this spacious awareness of love, peace and well being would simply fall away by itself. As I no longer seek love, peace or happiness in the world because it is already always here, I engage with the world in avery light and free way. I no longer expect anything from it nor do I seek or chase after or avoid any part of it. It is just very light and free.
I naturally find, since I no longer have the needs or desires or fears I had, that I live a very simple life. I take great joy in the simplest things.
These are a few of the things I noticed. I also make no effort at all to live an awakened life or to do anything that I think an awakened life should be. Life simply happens and I am not separate from it. That said, many things have very naturally and organically fallen away from my life. Nothing is missed. Life seems perfect as it is, no matter what it is. It’s all so beautiful.
It’s getting hard-core now.
I didn’t really understand why people stressed that to live awake is not necessarily pink fluffy cloud love, peace, bliss.
I am beginning to now.
I had my first argument with my wonderful husband tonight. We have been married about 18 months. I had been married/kids/separated/happier/divorced, so although I loved his company, I was not bothered about getting married. Also I could not in honesty say that I knew I would always want to be with him.
But, hey, it’s what people in love do. He had never been married, so why not let him have that experience with me, my ego reasoned.
Fast forward to tonight. We have an enjoyable, separate evening. He watches Pukp Fiction, and drinks alcohol. I watch and post music videos online with my mates, drinking Fanta. (ego is an alcoholic.)
We go to bed about 11.30pm. This is a late night for us, as we are normally up around 4.00am. He starts work at 6.00 am on week days. I drive him into work every morning, because he does not drive, and it is too early for any buses, and a taxi ride is £20. So I play taxi driver, about 5 hours per week of my time. It was a temporary arrangement after he moved in nearly 3 years ago. There was an agreement that once we were satisfied the living together thing was working out, he would find himself a different job which he could get to without my assistance. Or so I remember. He seems to remember something else.
So, there has been background repressed anger around, it would seem.
As a shift occurred in my mind around 2 weeks ago, the anger of the Hazel ego self is becoming very evident. It seeps out, unexpectedly.
About to go to sleep happily together, next thing I know I am telling him how I am drawing a boundary. I’m not prepared to play taxi driver for much longer. An observation is voiced, “it will be interesting to see what happens if I stop driving you.” It is a 12 mile journey, hilly, a 3 hour walk there for him. He enjoys walking or running home (2 and a half hours to run). He enjoys maintaining and cultivating a fit body.
I also now voice to him, although I observe that he says he wants to change jobs, he obviously does not want to, since he devotes a lot of time to his body maintenance (walk/run home) rather than get 2 buses home (2 hour journey) and use some time to job-hunt.
Or all that weekend time spent on fitness and Amazon and goodness know what.
Then I tell him how, since we have some savings, he could quit his job, and have unlimited time to find a more suitable occupation. But no, he admits he is afraid. He makes those unbelieved drunken promises to really, really do it…
Upshot. I start to tell him how I don’t want to make him feel more guilty than he already does, I don’t want him to feel bad, just to actually do something himself, about this situation.
But, and here is where the ego becomes horrified, I realise that although in many ways it is nice to have him around, and there is the same love there for him, which is also there for everyone else, I cannot truthfully say that I want him to stay living with me. In fact, his leaving appears to have many benefits.
Also, an attraction for another man is observed.
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So, now he has woken me after 3 hours of sleep, to go to the toilet, putting our bedroom light on in the process of looking for the landing light switch, letting the cat in, whose heavy paws were uncomfortable on my chest. I have been sleeping little until the night before, and had looked forward to another night of maybe 6 hours sleep, as this bodymind seems to function best on 6-7 hours sleep.
It has been tiring adjusting to the seeming shift, requiring delicate negotiations at work to avoid repeating of past experience where happy Hazel was disempowered and taken to a psychiatric hospital to be heavily anti-psychoticised. 10 years ago. Same shift, hopefully different outcome this time.
So, the ego is horrified, sad, crying, upset, wanting to talk about it. But when most of my friends who would know what I am talking about are living in another time zone, everybody on Facebook is unavailable.
Anyway, my ‘wisdom teacher’ advises me not to vocalise the ego thoughts, not to even go there. To relentlessly take my gaze back to Truth. Briefly I manage this. Relaxation of tense stomach, slight peace. Then ego is wailing again.
Yes, so, waking up. Nice? Hmmm….
Scary, lonely?
The waking presence watches all of this as you are doing. Observes thoughts, feelings, scary, lonely, nice, pleasant, unpleasant. What observes all of this is not affected by any of it. It is simply aware of it. it is always free.
Thoughts arise. This is what they do. How attached we are to them, how much we believe them is how much we will be affected by them. They are in truth, merely thoughts, not truth.
To make decisions on thoughts and feelings is what we are used to doing. How does that work out usually? Pay attention to this. Is there another way? The awake presence simply observes. It observes everything. And this is very relaxing, very calming. There is peace in the awake presence. There is freedom. It is not affected by any thought, good or bad, hopeful or frightened. It simply is. And somehow, in this very isness, this very beingness, a different type of intelligent is revealed. It simply knows.
Husband, wife, different or same? Driving to work each morning, what does this really mean? Let it settle. Let what is be as it is. Now look. What is happening? Thoughts come. Feelings come. New thoughts come. New feelings come. What is really happening? Is this awake presence affected by it? By any of it? Will it be affected by it? Any of it? So this is freedom. Freedom from thoughts. Freedom from feelings. Freedom from everything. Relationship or no relationship, this is not affected. it is always free. Then what? How to make decisions in this freedom. When you experience this freedom, decisions come. They too arise spontaneously. There is a knowing. It is not based on thoughts. Not based on past experiences. Not based on feelings. It is something else.
What is this? It is free of ego. It is free of Hazel. What is this? What is this?
Hello. Thank you Peter for your response.
I just re-read my post. There is some embarrassment now, that there was so much anger and fear evident there, in a thread about supposedly living in an awakened state!
Yes, ideas are arising, which are not coming from the lower mind. That was what made it strange and scary, to the lower mind. Lower mind was not in charge of coming up with the idea, of choosing whether to speak the idea. I have given authority to the Higher Mind now. This is unfamiliar territory. Hazel has always been shy, undemanding, avoided all confrontation.
So I guess, Higher Mind spoke, then lower mind heard the firmness of the talking, and seemed to interpret it as justified anger maybe, and hijacked the conversation.
Yes. The presence behind the ego emotions, was and is completely unconcerned about what happens And I have had focus back there again most of the day, thank God.
I don’t know what “this” is. But it feels completely different from Hazel.
This apparent duality is experienced as uncomfortable. It seems best to allow merging. Or as I have heard you say it Peter, the awareness is aware of all (including Hazel, thoughts, feelings etc) but also IS it all.
A friend has directed me to read the work of Meher Baba.
When one awakens thoughts do not cease. But our attention on them does. Thoughts become like a television set going on in the background of a restaurant when you are engrossed in an interesting conversation. Most of the time you are not even aware it is there. Occasionally someone may turn it up loud enough for you to hear it and it begins to be a distraction from this interesting conversation you are having. By interesting conversation I mean you are being present.
When it gets loud enough to notice, you may say to yourself “Oh, shut up, will you.” Or “Could someone please turn that off or at least down?” Of course the desire to have thoughts be stopped or turned down or off does what? It just makes them louder and more noticeable. It draws more attention to them. Now you have the original thought and you have a new thought. “I don’t like this thought. It’s interfering with my peace. I wish it were not here.” This is called resistance. And resistance just makes these thoughts seem much bigger than they are. Resistance is like an amplified thought. The volume has been turned up really loud. You might say resistance is the amplifier to a thought. Instead of lessening the thought or eliminating it, it just makes it seem much bigger.
When we wake up, thoughts still arise. Good thoughts, bad thoughts. Scary thoughts, happy thoughts. Thoughts are thoughts. They come in many varieties. Like food, what we feed our minds with become thoughts. If we feed our mind with happy, peaceful, beautiful thoughts, then most of our thoughts will also be like this. In the past we may have been exposed to some thoughts that were not so beautiful, peaceful, loving or happy. Those thoughts will still be there. And they can also arise given the appropriate trigger. Awakening doesn’t eliminate those thoughts. It just stops feeding them with attention. We know who we are. We know what thoughts are. And they can come and go all they like. And they can be whatever they are. We are still free.
We know what we are. This never changes. This is never affected by any thought. It is not affected by anything. It remains pure always. If a thought does grab our attention, we simply return to what we are. And the thought drifts on by harmlessly. It’s just a thought. It only has the power we choose to give it with our attention and belief.
I sleep very soundly and easily. I am at peace. I have no suffering. I have no problems. Last night I had something to do in the morning and I had to get up earlier than usual. I had many things that required doing. Thoughts about these things arose. That’s no problem. Thoughts don’t bother me. This was time for sleeping, not doing those things. So these thoughts were unnecessary. As they continued, I made the mistake of wishing they were not there, of wishing something (these thoughts) was different from how it was. Resistance. Once I resisted what was, the thoughts became more dominant in my attention. It didn’t last long. I understand this. I stopped resisting, remembered what I am, returned to peace and went to sleep.
I know what thoughts are. I know their uses. And I know how I abused them by giving them more attention and belief than was appropriate for most of my life, as we all do. I see my thoughts more as if I am watching a movie. They can be fascinating, curious, confusing, hilarious, stupid, ridiculous, entertaining, sometimes even useful. But they are never true. And I am totally interested in what is true. In fact, I am only interested in what is true. And what is always true is this infinite, eternal presence. And this is what I am. After I realized this, no thought can come remotely close to comparing with this great freedom, this joy, this love, this peace. It is always here. It does not come or go. Although if my attention should be focused on a thought or two I may forget this temporarily. But this forgetting is not long. It is the process of waking up that causes us to forget less and less and for shorter and shorter periods of time. This happens naturally as we integrate our great discovery into daily life.
What appears to be difficult in the awakening process is not awakening. That’s a piece of cake and much more delicious. It’s the forgetting. Forgetting becomes more and more painful. Where suffering may have been so common, so normal, that we may not have even noticed it. It’s normal. Nothing’s perfect. Now it is totally seen for what it is. It may be normal in the normal human world of the dream, but it is entirely insane when one wakes up. So forgetting is increasingly painful. And this is the wonderful incentive to simply stop forgetting, the sooner the better. It’s all part of the process. On the one hand we have this life of suffering, pain, false hopes, insecurity, vulnerability, fear, anger sadness and illusion. And I’m only getting started. On the other hand we have an unchanging peace, happiness, love and freedom. We have an intuitive wisdom that always seems to be right. The choice is quite easy and obvious. And if it’s not obvious enough, we have the increased pain from the increased awareness of life in the thought-based dream and the great contrast between that and the truth of what we really are and everything really is.
So things may seem a little worse, but that’s only because we weren’t aware before. We were living in a dream. Now we’re waking up and for the first time we’re becoming aware of how it is and always was. And, yes, we do create enormous suffering for ourselves in the dream. Before we wake up we’re totally unaware of this. The dream is our reality. When we begin to wake up we see this and it’s not a pleasant surprise. Just as a beginning meditator is shocked when they first become aware of their thoughts, their monkey mind. We are leaving something else behind, something that doesn’t work in our favor, a dream, an illusion. And we are moving into truth. This is a process. The more we surrender the old, the easier it is. Let thoughts go and return to the truth of what we are. Let the past and future go and return to the present.
This suffering during this process is not a negative thing. It has its definite and useful purpose. The old must be surrendered. And this pain makes us more willing to surrender it. We just keep making the choice between suffering and freedom. You see this.
When one is awake, these problems of the past no longer bother us. We’ve made that transition. And, if we haven’t yet. some suffering and pain will arise again. But this time we know what it is. It is just a reminder. Just another way to lead us Home. It’s all happening entirely for our benefit.
Update after 6 hours sleep, then some meditating, using the final lessons of A Course in Miracles, and praying, “Father, I give my life to you completely. You are in charge of the whole thing. Please let me dissolve into you.” ( I was influenced by a Facebook post of the words of Mooji.)
And just because I become willing for it all to go. That doesn’t mean that the man of my dreams has now disappeared.
In fact, here he is, more perfect than ever before recognised. And now strangely willing to address the issues which had seemed like an obstruction to my peace of mind ✨And though I hesitate to shock anyone’s sensibilities. He even walks into my kitchen as I am making the coffee, naked, tall, muscly, sensitive and cuddling my kitten!
?“I give my life completely to you. Let me dissolve in you.”
This is very good. This is the best prayer. To awaken, we must surrender completely. We must dissolve completely. We dissolve what is false, the sense of a separate person, a name and form. And we dissolve into Truth, the formless. We are only dissolving what is not true, form, to realize what we really are and have always been, the formless.It’s not that form does not exist. It does. In a way. Not the way we think and perceive. But we are not this limited, changing form that we identify as I. A body/mind. That is not what we are. We have always been the formless. You don’t realize this because you can’t see it, describe it, imagine it or think it. Yet it is what you are. It is what we all are. And when you awaken from this dream of separation, you realize your formless nature. You still can’t see it, describe it, or think it. But you know you are it. You experience it. You feel it. It is pure being beyond thoughts. In this Great Liberation you know.
So when you make this prayer, from the depth of your heart, from the depth of your being, you surrender everything in the dream, all form, all names, all thoughts. And when this is fully surrendered with nothing held back, what you are will be realized. And that will be a very good day indeed. 🙂
Amen
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More surrendering 2 nights ago
Felt like the near death throes of ego
Getting desperate ego
Miraculous morning
Enjoyed day
Waking from sleep after 2 hours sleep
At 11.11
You’re kidding, right?
Yes, I know people have been saying that’s a special number, but …
Talking again with you Peter.
Kirtan.
And now a group scheduled soon. A new friend joining
Gratitude and surrender
And I think, a cup of Yorkshire tea.
Maybe a Jaffa cake will be involved
Let’s see
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Thank you. I’m waking up, and so this thread is helpful.
Have you considered finding common ground? For example if you don’t want to be a taxi driver, and your husband loves taking care of his body, what do you think about him getting a bicycle?(Will take him 30-45 mins which not too far from an average American commute). This way it’s a win-win, obviously if he goes on such compromise. I assume that your concerns go a bit deeper (in my idea you aren’t as mad at him for having to be a cab driver, as you are mad at him for solely focusing on his metaphysical world (like taking care only of his body, and not making any attempts in discovering his spirituality)).
I understand that i might be 100% wrong in my assumptions, but it’s just an outsiders’ unbiased perspective. Just remember, his ego just like any ego hates and fears spirituality, it will deny it and use all of the tools like denial, logic, lack of physical evidence to discredit such thing as spirituality.
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