How to Stop Suffering When the Relationship is Over

I know a lot of people have trouble with this and suffering can go on for years. I’m very familiar with this. Back in the day (before I woke up), the first thing I would do after the end of a relationship was set up a weekly or bi-weekly session with a therapist. I also talked with my friends and family – a lot. I was a mess. I was in great pain. I was suffering big time. And all this talking it out seemed to help a little. A very little. Okay, not at all. It gave temporary relief, but I was still suffering. I was still in pain. I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about. In fact, I know more than a few of you right now know exactly what I’m talking about. And that’s why I’m writing this.

Since I have recently experienced the end of a relationship, I thought it might be helpful to share what I experience from an awakened perspective. And I’ll try to put it in practical terms that you can use in your own life.

Do I feel any of the pain, stress or suffering I experienced in similar situations before I woke up?

Yes, I do, but very differently. On a scale of one to ten, my previous experience of suffering was a fifteen. Now it’s more like a one. Not intense. Not preoccupying my life. Not making me seek out a therapist or even a friend to tell about it. But it’s here. I can feel it. And mostly my experience of it is curiosity. What is this feeling? Why is it here? What does it mean? Where does it come from? What is aware of it? And the answers to these questions I think can be useful for you.

I experience that these feelings come from thoughts that have been thought many times over my life. Because these thoughts have been repeated so many times they have created a smooth neural pathway in my brain to think them again. And this is also re-experienced in the body. The body and the brain are not separate. Thought and feeling are one.

A thought no longer believed in stops creating suffering. Some thoughts believed in previously (before awakening) are still not entirely conscious so the belief attached to them has not been entirely eliminated yet the way conscious thoughts have. And that’s why these uncomfortable feelings arise. They arise so these unconscious thoughts and beliefs can be observed and set free.

How do I know these uncomfortable feelings are caused by thoughts?

As soon as I let these thoughts go (through don’t know or other practices), the uncomfortable feelings are instantly gone. And all I feel is the same freedom, peace, love and happiness that has become my usual experience. I see this same thing happen when I do guided self-inquiry with my students. There is instant relief. I wish therapists learned how to do this.

Are you with me so far? You have probably experienced this yourself. This is what triggers are about. Certain thoughts that have been repeated many times are very ready to be thought again. And similar events in the present easily trigger these thoughts. The events in the present don’t even have to be that similar. Every breakup of a relationship is probably quite different, yet we still experience the same feelings each time. It’s as if each breakup was the same.

If I didn’t feel these feelings, I wouldn’t know this or be able to tell you about it. Nor would I know these thoughts were still in my subconscious and be able to observe them and set them free. Everything serves a purpose in life. Nothing is wasted or accidental. Life is never happening to you. It is happening for you. Understand this. Welcome it. Use it.

When I inquire into these feelings and discover these thoughts, the feelings themselves change. Instead of feeling pain and discomfort, I become more like a scientist on the verge of a great and interesting discovery. Instead of being locked into the prison of thought-based suffering, I become freer, more alive, more open and more curious. And, not surprisingly, I feel a lot better.

So what kind of thoughts are revealed?

Here are a few. You probably have your own favorites. “I will never be with anyone as wonderful as this again.” “I will be alone for the rest of my life.” “I won’t survive alone.” “My life will never be as good again.” “I will never have love again.” “My life is over.” Byron Katie is wonderful at sticking a sharp pin of insight and truth into thoughts like these. But if you simply look at them honestly and question them, you can quickly see that none of them have any real validity.

Let’s look at a couple.

“I will never be with anyone as wonderful as this again.”

First off what exactly does “wonderful” even mean? If it means you will not be with the same person again, that’s probably pretty accurate. But honestly, how wonderful was this person? Nobody’s memory is very accurate, especially just after ending a relationship. You may have forgotten that the relationship and this person were not 100% wonderful all the time. There were probably moments of conflict and suffering. There may even have been several times when you or your partner secretly wished the relationship were over. Otherwise the relationship may still be going. And you may also be experiencing some guilt for not realizing and acknowledging how wonderful they were while you were in relationship with them. But mostly what you are forgetting and ignoring is how wonderful you are. One half of that relationship was you. And you’re not going anywhere. You’re still right here. You may have taken your partner for granted at times, but you are definitely taking yourself for granted right now. And that’s far worse. Your partner may be gone, but you are still here. You are here and alive in this very moment. And that’s something you should never take for granted.

“I will be alone for the rest of my life.”

It’s possible you may never find another partner. But so what? You will still be here. So you can really never be alone. You are still here. Again you’re taking yourself for granted. You are missing what is right here in favor of mooning over the past, an imaginary past at that. And you’re imagining a future that also doesn’t exist.

“I will never have love again.”

This is a big fearful thought that creates suffering in most people after a breakup. And it is impossible. Where do you think love comes from? Where do you experience love? It’s right here in your own heart. Where else could it be? So you always have love. It’s in you. You may not have realized it until this particular person triggered it in you. But it’s always been right here. It’s here now. It will always be here.

“My life is over.” “I won’t survive alone.”

Hmm. That’s an interesting one. Are you not aware that you are still here to even have this thought? So clearly your life cannot be over. And clearly you are surviving.

“My life will never be as good again.”

Well, clearly that’s up to you, isn’t it? Your perception of a good life is the key. And that’s just another thought. It’s totally up to you what you think and what thoughts you believe. The difference between a good and bad life is only a tiny shift in thoughts. Choose to think good ones. And, if you really want a good life, stop believing in all your thoughts. You’ll find the good life is already here and always has been.

Thoughts like these are creating your suffering.

If you look at each one of them, you can clearly see they are not really true. They have major flaws in their logic. And yet you still believe them. You allow them to create these feelings of suffering in you. So my advice is to look at them deeply. Don’t simply copy the ones I came up with unless they are the same ones rattling around in your brain. Find those thoughts that are creating suffering in you. Expose them to the light of day. And see for yourself if they have any truth to them. I promise you will find yourself much happier for doing this.

Byron Katie – The Work

You can also take a look at Byron Katies’ work. She actually calls it The Work. If you are not familiar with her, Byron Katie is an awake teacher who woke up by questioning the reality of her thoughts, all her thoughts. And because this resulted in her awakening, she now teaches her students to do this too. It is worthwhile doing this work yourself. Question your thoughts – all of them. Are they real? Or are you suffering needlessly? Here is a link to Byron Katie’s website.

You really don’t need to suffer.

It’s up to you. If you prefer to cling to your thoughts and believe they are real, of course you will continue suffering. But if you’re ready and willing to stop doing this, the doorway to your freedom, love and happines is already open.

If you need help with this, you can contact me. First go to my website and use the resources there. If that’s not enough, you can contact me directly and we’ll do a private session. My book The Zen of Love also has some wonderful sections on exactly this subject, but it won’t be published for a few months still. If you’re interested I can send you sample chapters in a .pdf file.

You really don’t need to suffer. It’s up to you. It’s true those negative repetitive thoughts have worn a well-greased pathway in your brain. But it’s always been up to you if you believe them or not. So stop believing them. Choose truth over suffering. It’s a much better choice. And you’ll be much happier for making it.