The ego loves conversation. Here it can share its ideas and opinions. It can reinforce itself by gaining attention and hopefully approval. In conversation, the ego feels very real. This is its normal environment. It very much wants to get its ideas and opinions across to others. It very much wants to be seen and acknowledged as “right”. If it does not receive approval and acknowledgment, it feels lessened and it suffers. If it does, it feels bigger, more important and good.
Conversation is the playground of the ego. Here is where it builds and reinforces itself. Here is where it “proves” it is real and not simply an illusion created out of conditioned thoughts.
The True Self has none of these needs that the ego has. It is already real so it has no need to prove itself or gain acknowledgment for what is already true. It does not need any approval or acknowledgment. It always knows itself and that is all the acknowledgment it ever needs. It is always at peace, always happy and always one with all that exists.
In the Enlightenment Experience Groups, we want to stay in this experience of the True Self. We have spent most of our lives living as an ego and being controlled by this sense of a separate, independent, individual self. We have experienced the suffering that inevitably follows the ego like its shadow. The ego can never be apart from suffering no matter how it tries. The ego is the sole cause of all suffering and is suffering itself. There is no suffering without this sense of a separate self. This ego has a functional purpose for basic functioning in the world, but when it is identified as what we are, when it runs the show, we will always experience suffering. For this reason, during the Enlightenment Experience Groups, we do not encourage the ego. We do not cater to it, acknowledge it or flatter it. We see it for what it is and simply let it go.
That is also why we avoid conversation in the Groups. If there is a break, we remain in silence. We have specific practices that allow very limited speaking. But these practices do not allow the ego to assert itself. Instead they bring us into this expanded state of our True Self. From here we see the ego very clearly and it no longer bothers us.
I’m not suggesting you never have a conversation again. Conversations are fine. But please notice the tendency of the ego to arise in any conversation you have. If you experience a desire for attention, acknowledgment, approval or being right, ask yourself what is doing this? Where is this desire coming from? And what is aware of all of this? This can be a wonderful teaching for you. Take a moment of silence to really feel this. Yes, right in the middle of your conversation. Don’t worry; if the person you are with is speaking from their ego, they won’t even notice it. And you will be very happy.
Thank your for this posting , it does really help with a question that has been around for me for sometime. ( I actually googled ” ego and conversation ” and landed on your post:)
I was listening to Echkart Tolle teaching’s and was left wondering: how can I have a conversation with a friend, over a cup of coffee, without giving in to the ego?? I mean, it sounds almost impossible. When getting together for a “chat”, it’s normal to exchange about what’s up, thoughts, ideas, projects, last shopping spree, all of which is mainly “ego’ driven content. I experienced this the other day with a friend. I was paying attention to the conversation we were having and since I am becoming more aware of the ego driven attitudes, I was more silent than usual, ( a lot of the “me” talk was gone..). It was very difficult to actually sustain a conversation and the whole thing felt a bit odd for both of us .
Hi Gabi,
That is very good insight. And, yes, the necessity and desire for ego speech does fall away when we realize it. Mostly we just listen. And when those we are in conversation with are very much in ego, they usually don’t mind and find it good. More chance for them to speak. The more we listen from stillness, the more this stillness is felt in those we have a conversation with. It may seem strange because they are not used to it. But it is actually far more pleasant them simply expounding the egoic self-identity. A bit of their True Self begins to be realized. Sometimes such conversations are mostly silence. I don’t generally engage in those kinds of conversations. Most people come to me for help in some way, freedom from suffering and confusion. So I listen and then say what is helpful. It’s very rare when I talk about “me”, unless that is helpful in some way.
As you begin to awaken, you will notice this more and more. You will be less and less interested in superficial ego oriented conversations. Where before they excited you, now you will find no interest in them at all. They will no longer make sense as a way to spend your time. Interestingly your connection with people will also become far deeper and they will feel more attracted to you. It is rare to meet someone who is free, authentic and unconditionally loving. Simply by being with you, people begin to change and their life of suffering begins to fall away. Much of this happens in silence.
“a lot of the “me” talk was gone”
You are noticing the falling away of the limited ego self. Beneath that superficial layer of conditioned thoughts is something far more authentic, far more real. It is beyond anything we can identify as another “me”, but as we stay in this stillness it reveals itself as something quite profound, unlimited, unbounded and infinite. This is the True Self of all beings. It is not personal as it is not separate from all existence. Nothing could exist without it. It is the fundamental essence of all life. When the ego self falls away, this is what is revealed.
When you are aware of this, you only have to return to this awareness and the ego self falls away, if it is triggered at all. How you act in the world and in conversation may become very different. You become only concerned with the well being of others, unconditionally loving, as you are already 100% complete, needing nothing at all. When people get used to this change, they appreciate it far more than the ego self with its needs, expectations, fears, insecurities and incompleteness. How often do you meet someone who is completely present with you and for you and unconditionally accepting and loving? It’s a rare treat.
There is a transition as we begin to awaken. For some time, we’re still a little of this and a little of that. The True Self has not integrated fully yet. There’s a back and forth experience. It can be a bit confusing. But that confusion is only the resistance of the ego self to letting go. It works itself out naturally and organically.
Thank you for your reply , Peter. I have been on a journey for sometime but only recently I have become consciously aware of the ego driven attitudes. I say “consciously aware” because before I was aware of it but in a ego- mindset way:) (a way to feel better than others,better than someone else).
I am now beginning to experience this awareness more from a place of Stillness, which also allows me to notice moments throughout the day when there are spaces of “no thoughts” .
I am in the beginning process of transitioning , “a little/lot of this a little bit of that”. But, as you say, as I am aware of the Space beyond, I return to this awareness and the ego falls away.
Blessing.
Peter, this is fabulous and why I so object to the idea of texting or social media constant commentary. Having a conversation with others (but truly only with oneself) that really does not include any demand for self awareness (of our ego) has unleashed an entire new dimension of ego to the world.
Would you please share this on FB at some point? I think it would help others identify what they are experiencing in this world of social media.
Thank you, Lynn. That’s a good idea. I will do that now.